[stargher] omfg


Since Photobucket has devolved and become muddled to the point of being useless I haven't been posting photography anymore, and that makes me sad. But conveniently, I like the "new" (it's been a while lmao) Flickr layout and they finally gave everyone ENOUGH SPACE TO USE IT instead of capping it at 100 photos for unpaid users like it used to be.

THAT SAID, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO USE FLICKR MORE THE PAST FEW MONTHS. But it's silly because I was working too much to really work on photos anyway. And I'm sad cause I liked posting them in here and having a place to add commentary and post things as a set, but none of the hosting services operate the way I like. So I'm gonna just link my Flickr albums here from now on.

The bad news is that it's an external link so it's not all encapsulated here. The good news is that the photos will be larger and nicer and if I really feel like I have to I can put individual captions on them.



It was really foggy when I left work the other day, and it's been such a long time since I've had the luxury to go out and shoot after work. Cause it used to be that if I got out of work and it was a really beautiful morning I could go grab my camera and then go galavant around Brookhaven to my heart's desire. But for the past year and a half it was like, I had to rush home and shower and go right to bed cause I was working two jobs and had to be up in 10 hours to go back to work. And before that, it was that I'd have classes at 8am and had to go home and change and go straight to school, or I'd have just had a full day of school and then work and I'd been up for 23 hours and needed to crash. And finally it's like how it used to be when I had time for creative expression. It feels nice.

So I was thinking about like, where are places that are close, but that I haven't shot too many times, because I didn't know how long it would be foggy and I feel like I'm getting sick of shooting the same places over and over. So I went to Pirate's Cove and shot there for a while. And then I decided to head over to Seaview Cemetery, and I shot there for a while, too. Then I started wandering into the trails behind the cemetery, and spent a couple hours in there. I wasn't expecting it to be so foggy for such a long time so I got a lot of shots out of it.

And then after all that, before I went home, I went to visit Alicia. It took me a long time after her funeral to return to her grave, but I've been visiting more frequently lately. It's gotten easier to be there. I don't know how I feel about any of it, because I'm not sure how to articulate my feelings about the afterlife and spiritual energy and whether or not these things are tethered to your physical body. And I've realized I don't think I go to her grave just for her. It's more that I like to go and leave things because I want her mom to know other people have been there, and I want her family to know other people still give a shit. So I think I do it for them, because, and I've said this many times, even though she and I weren't as close as adults, she was such a fucking important part of my life and such a huge huge huge part of the person I am today and I'm still so fucking gutted over it.

[stargher] omfg

old school music meme

I dig this up every couple years. Right now it's because I'm killing time and avoiding doing things I should be doing because I have no fucking motivation and I'm having an existential crisis lol. On a happier note, I do fucking love talking about music all the time so there's that.

List your 30 favorite bands/musicians (in no particular order) without looking at the questions, and then answer the questions using your list.

(But I actually just used my yearly Top 30 from Last.fm, swapping out a couple film score composers that I don't really have anything to say about LOL)

1. Nekrogoblikon
2. Billy Joel
3. Erik Satie
5. Ensiferum
6. Cradle of Filth
7. Korn
8. Tool
9. Nine Inch Nails
10. Finntroll
11. Lady Gaga
12. Marilyn Manson
13. Opeth
14. Immortal
15. Little Boots
16. Amon Amarth
17. Turisas
18. Watain
19. FGFC820
20. Lacuna Coil
21. Ghost
22. Eluveitie
23. Dog Fashion Disco
24. Wardruna
25. God is an Astronaut
26. VNV Nation
27. Infected Mushroom
28. Portishead
29. Porcupine Tree
30. At the Gates

btw can I take a second to lawlz at my music catalog. This also isn't completely accurate cause my iPod doesn't scrobble the way it used to, but I can admit it pretty much sums up my year.


1. How did you get into 29 (Porcupine Tree)?
So this is weird but I don't actually remember lol. I remember once way way back in the day, like back in dialup days before music downloading, I saw one of their vidoes really late at night on MTV or Much Music or something and I remember liking it and writing their name down for future reference. And they have a really weird name so it always sort of stuck with me. Then like one day when my family finally got cable internet and I had like Limewire or some other garbage downloader that was festering with viruses, I found some random songs and liked them. I do know my first full album I heard of theirs was Fear of a Blank Planet, which remains one of my fav albums ever. Someone probably posted it in metal_mp3 or something. Metalheads secretly all have hardons for Porcupine Tree cause they're sorta like Opeth Lite.

2. What was the first song you ever heard by 22 (Eluveitie)?
I think I just jumped into Eluveitie by downloading the Everything Remains as it Never Was album because I was gonna see them open for Amon Amarth and if I have time/care enough I always try to familiarize myself with openers a little to make shows more enjoyable. So that means it would've been the album intro followed by the title track. :D

3. How many albums by 12 (Marilyn Manson) do you own?
I have all of them downloaded cause I'm a punk, but I actually own them all up to Golden Age. By the time Eat Me Drink Me came out I was like meeeeehhhhhhhh and it was possible to download instead LOL. I also have fuckin like, God is in the TV on VHS from like middle school LOL! LOVE HIM. I've been listening to Manson a lot lately, sidenote. I linked The Gardener from the latest album cause I love the fuck out of it and it reminds me of my life. :D

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[stargher] omfg

on the wrong side of the lens

So like I got pretty obsessed with the new Ghost album when I finally heard it a couple months ago and I was listening to it pretty much exclusively for two or three weeks lol. And I decided I wanted to be Papa Emeritus II for Halloween, but like MAMA EMERITUS and I was inspired by the idea of doing it like a naughty nun LOL. So like I had all these ideas in mind and everything but I was working a lot and didn't really have the time to put it together. I bought a couple things to move it along but I didn't get too elaborate and everything I wore was mostly stuff I owned already.

BUT THEN TURN OF EVENTS; I had to work on Halloween. =( I didn't think I could get out of CVS anyway so I didn't bother requesting off, and I figured even if I didn't have the overnight that I'd wind up getting out of CVS and then.......... having nothing to fucking do anyway. And then I wound up having my overnight job too. SO on Halloween I wound up watching Christine and then working for 13 hours. I did dress up as a cat because it was minimal and easy to wear to work and I had to do SOMETHING.

STILL I was very much intent on doing this Mama Emeritus costume so I got dressed up yesterday and went out with Celeste and modeled for her. She also modeled for me a little bit; not much because I was covered in facepaint and didn't want to get my camera all painty, but it was definitely an artistic exchange and collaboration.

I remember how, when I would visit Adrienne at the Writing Center, she'd tell all her coworkers "Guys! You should totally model sometime, I modeled for Kayla and it made me feel so good about myself! Everyone should try it!" and she had all these things to say about how positive it is to see yourself through someone else's lens, someone who doesn't see the flaws in you that you naturally see in yourself. I've always had that in mind. I'm not stranger to being photographed, and this is obvious because of my self portraits, but what a lot of people don't understand is that self portraiture isn't about vanity; it's about reflection. Self portraits made me feel less vain, in fact. They often made me feel more unattractive than I'd ever felt in my life. They're philosophical and explorative and difficult.

It's been a long time since I've been interested in self portraits. The last few times I even tried I just wasn't even feeling it. This comes and goes for me, and has for most of my time as a photographer. For the past year or so I've been completely disinterested in it. I'm sick of looking at myself and I'm sick of how limited I feel by self portraits. They've become challenging, but not in an exhilarating creative way, just in that they're a complete pain in my ass.

BUT YOU KNOW. I felt like I really wanted to dress up in this costume, and maybe in the past I would've felt open to self portraits, but I had other visual ideas for it that were best in other hands. So I decided to recruit Celeste because she's my favorite local photographer that I know, and her forte is just making women look beautiful and I was looking forward to that lol.

It was weird approaching it, I don't think I was outright nervous, but ... I was a little apprehensive on the inside. Not enough that I would back out of it, just that I was having a lot of ~thoughts and feels~ about what modeling would be like. I was looking forward to it though. I kept thinking about what Adrienne said--how modeling will make you feel really good about yourself. I don't think I really needed a boost in self-esteem or anything but that can't hurt. I was more interested in doing it just as a reverse experience, because it helps to have empathy for my own models. So that I can know how it feels to be on the other side.

What's funny, and what I wasn't expecting, was how much my models had already had this reverse effect on me. I found myself automatically changing my head poses, or my eyes, between shots, which I think I picked up on from Arwen and Melissa and a few others. I didn't realize I was doing it. Maybe it wasn't even that different from posing for myself, anyway. It was strange to be in these elaborate pictures without having taken them myself like I have in the past, and to have given up the control.

I want to try it again sometime when I'm not in costume. I think there was an emotional barrier here because I was thinking of myself as a character, and I don't necessarily that these are photos of me. In a strictly objective way, of course they are, and even if we see past the costume and see the human being inside it's still a portrait of some chick who likes metal enough to dress up as Papa lol. But my artistic intentions were different. I've always been the most honest with myself emotionally when I was doing self portraits, it was always the easiest way for me to express myself. So I'd be curious to see how it would go if I tried modeling again without all the theatricality and lulz. I don't know if I'm brave enough to do it yet, but I'll try eventually.


All in all it was a really fun experience. Celeste and I always have fun together and I have a big hardon for autumn colors, so this worked out well. I'm pretty happy with how these all came out. I didn't want to post too many photos cause that makes me feel egotistical and uncomfortable but I just picked a few to share. Some of them are like joke shots of down time and stuff. Alternately I'd considered posting more and then just titling the entry "gratuitous titty post" but instead I decided to be a little more thoughtful. :)

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[stargher] omfg


I wish you could tell I'm wearing an Immortal shirt in these pictures because it was SO GRIM AND FUCKIN ICY.

This was the first project I'd shot for my Black & White Silver Darkroom class. It has a counter-assignment which I'll try to post next, even though I keep working on these film discs in random order lol.

So since I knew my meter didn't work and also knew I'd be climbing around on the rocks in the harbor I asked Jaci if she wanted to come assist me and hold my DSLR for me. It was also freezing and windy and would've been potentially miserable if I'd been by myself haha. As a result, there's lots of pictures of me! And she took a lot of the color ones. I would pretty much grab the camera and meter digitally every time I moved to a new spot, then I'd take a bunch, move, over and over. So Jaci kept playing with my camera while I was busy with the film.

I think this is the most dramatic difference in my sets between the film and digital, because the color photos look just sort of like wintery and cute and the film looks kvlt as fvck in my opinion. There's just a really different tone and it's sort of creepy.


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  • Current Music: Planet Terror!
[stargher] omfg

How I Saved the Day

There's this guy I see at my job every couple days, he comes to my line a lot. He always buys Newport 100s. I don't know if everyone in my position does this, but I sort of know most of the regulars' cigarettes. I'm not sure if that's normal or if it's a symptom of my having a sponge brain lol. But anyway. He's usually grumpy and usually mumbles, and I usually repeat "Newport 100s?" just to make sure, just in case. He always just nods.

So yesterday while I was ringing him up I just happened to notice that he was playing with a walnut, like turning it over and over in his hands and tossing it up and down. Whatever, right? Then maybe two or three customers later someone finds a debit card on my counter and turns it in to me. It had a woman's name on it but I couldn't remember any women at my line using a debit card that recently so I wasn't sure who could've left it. But I noticed the guy had left the walnut, too. And then I wondered if it was his walnut, or if it had already been there and he just played with it while he waited for me to grab his cigarettes.

I went to go put the debit card in the change drawer, where we keep lost little things, and just because I DON'T KNOW WHY, CAUSE I'M WEIRD, I put the walnut there too. My manager was standing nearby so I had been like "Someone left a debit card and a walnut on my register, I'm putting them away in case anyone asks for them." David (manager) was laughing at me about the walnut and everyone within earshot was like "lol ur crazy why would you keep the walnut" and I was like I DON'T KNOW GUYS, IT'S FUNNY. David thinks I'm crazy lol. But like, in a good way. Like it's good-natured and endearing and he always chuckles when I say anything off beat. So anyway that was that, everyone thought I was nutso, and whatever.

THEN TODAY. The guy came back in. He mumbled for Newport 100s again. I repeated "100s?" again. As I was walking over to get him the cigarettes I glanced and saw the walnut was still there because I remembered him playing with it. Again, I wan't sure if it was his or if he'd just been playing with it. I also wasn't sure if the walnut and debit card belonged to the same person because I'd just been being silly, plus the name on the card was female. So I brought him his cigarettes and I'm like "Hey, this is a really weird question, but did you leave a walnut here yesterday?"

And he LIT THE FUCK UP, like I see this guy a few times a week and I've never seen him smile before, and he was like YEAH I DID, AND I LEFT MY DEBIT CARD. IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'S, SHE'S SO PISSED AT ME.

So I got like REALLY EXCITED and I got his stuff for him, and I quizzed him on his girlfriend's name to make sure it was the right card, and I returned his walnut to him. Meanwhile, Newport 100s are like $9.72 and he was paying half bills and half coins, so he was there for a few minutes counting out all his change and apologizing about it. Then he was going "It's your fault! You started smiling at me and I got distracted!" And he goes "My girlfriend was so mad and totally accused me of losing it because of a girl and she was right!" and he was like "Next time I'm here I'm gonna buy you lunch!!!!" And he shook my hand and thanked me profusely and it was so fucking funny and cute and nice.

SO I WAS LIKE SO FUCKIN ECSTATIC THAT I RETURNED THE WALNUT. I felt like a fuckin hero. I told everybody because everyone laughed at me yesterday when I was like "No guys, I'm saving this walnut!"

David wasn't in today though omfg I can't wait to tell him on Monday haha.

And that was basically the highlight of my week!

My life is lol.

[stargher] omfg

Nemo with film

Some more film that I digitized while I was bored at work. This time they're pictures I shot during the blizzard back in February. I never wound up making prints of any of these in the darkroom and I'm not sure why. I think they just never really fit with what I needed for my projects. But I like them, they're fun.

I had actually posted the digital pictures pretty promptly at the time here! FILM MAKES IT LOOK SO MUCH MORE KVLT LOL.

Here's another comparison:

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What's kind of funny is that the digital photos are still so white from all the snow and there really wasn't much color in them anyway. I processed them to be a bit blue/pink just for atmosphere but that's it. So this was interesting. Still the film is quite grainy. SO GRIM.

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  • Current Music: msnbc =P
[stargher] omfg

Avalon in Film & Digital

The last photo elective I took to graduate was The Black & White Silver Darkroom, and it was sort of an advanced darkroom class. I went in having never shot film before but the professor was awesome and he was really patient and enthusiastic about teaching me how to develop and print and didn't make me feel stupid for asking questions (like my other film professor had--consequently I wound up dropping her class) so I'd say by the second or third assignment I had caught up and felt really confident and was on the same level as everyone else.

The cool thing about that class was that for the most part it was technique based and not concept based, so we were usually allowed to shoot whatever we wanted as long as we were developing/printing in the ways that he was teaching us.

For my final project (which I'll post eventually) I did an installment where I shot both film and digital pictures in a cemetery to see what difference it made in the atmosphere and mood of the photos. And I hadn't just chosen to do it out of thin air; I had the idea because the meter on my film camera is broken, so all semester I had been using the meter on my digital and shooting both. So every project I did for film, I have the same photos in digital/color.

THAT SAID. I started bringing my negatives into work and printing them when I get bored/when it's slow. During school I didn't have time/resources to print every single photo I shot, but I like the idea of having little copies of them instead of just having the negatives. I've had them printed for a while but the other day I decided to put them onto discs so that I can play with them in Photoshop/post them around the interwebz. I was doing them in random order so I guess if I keep posting them they'll also be in random order, but I have two rolls so far.

The one I'm going to post today was from February 2nd. I met up with Gabbi and Celeste at Avalon Park and we just walked around for a while until we were too cold to deal anymore, and our faces were red and our fingertips weren't working. They had been planning to hang out anyway and invited me, and I was like OH MAN, OLD SCHOOL, CAUSE I HAVE TO SHOOT MY HOMEWORK. They'd graduated the semester before me so they were past the days of getting together to do homework haha.

This was my second roll of film, I think?, and when I had been rolling it up to develop it I accidentally cracked it. =( Later on in the semester I wound up making some fun art with the cracked pieces and I wound up being really happy with them, but if I had put the ripped strips of negatives into the Nortisu at work it would've jammed it. So the B&W's are like half the roll that I shot. There are more digital pictures obviously because I wasn't limited to one roll of film, but also because all the film photos aren't here. Wah. =(

But you can see what I mean about how I would meter with my digital and then match the settings for the film. I was doing it especially anally in the beginning before I was feeling more confident about film and everything. I was too paranoid about wasting money if I fucked up. But here's a sample, keeping in mind that the lenses had different focal lengths so they're slightly different:

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ANYWAY. Here they are.

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  • Current Music: Erik Satie ;.;
[duck] omg cutest

shut the fuck up I have a cute nephew

I realized halfway through processing these that I was using the wrong border--the one I usually use to give clients their photos/proofs. It's big enough to be FB appropriate but not big enough to make decent prints lmao. It's my way of satisfying their social networking needs while also forcing them to come back to me for prints because I hold the key to the original hi-res. SO WHOOPS, THERE'S THAT. I have different templates I use for LJ sets so that they line up nicely and aren't too gigantic. But this isn't a huge set and I was too lazy to start over.

ANYWAY, LOOK AT NATE, HE'S ADORABLE. I especially like the part where the cat ran away and hid under the car and he's still sitting there trying to feed her popcorn.

So also sidenote I'm still getting used to my new 50mm lens. The aperture is so goddamn gapingly huge that it's hard to focus sometimes haha. I'm still getting the hang of it. So whatevs.

ALSO SIDENOTE, PHOTOBUCKET IS OFFICIALLY ON MY SHIT LIST. IS THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW. LIKE, SOME OF MY PHOTOS RANDOMLY DIDN'T UPLOAD? I GO TO CHECK WHICH ONE IS MISSING AND THEY'RE NOT IN ORDER? I CAN ONLY FIND MY NEW UPLOADS BY CHECKING "RECENT UPLOADS" BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING NOWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE FOLDER I PUT THEM IN? THEY TOOK AWAY ONE-CLICK COPYING? IT PLAYS ADS WITH SOUND DURING YOUR UPLOAD AND YOU CAN'T MUTE IT? FUCK THIS SHIT. I need somewhere to host wtf. =( Somewhere with one-click copy. Also it would be a bonus if they weren't total Christian fundamentalists that don't allow nudity--even tasteful nudity. Anyway I'm gonna get off my ass (this is a figure of speech because I'm not actually going to) and start a Google frenzy for an alternative. BYE ASSHOLES, FUCK YOU.

Ugh anyway. Oh yeah, this is why I'm so lazy about posting pics now. I guess I'd forgotten.

here's my bffl.

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  • Current Music: watching Bill Maher =D
[stargher] omfg

Cursos Internacionales Graduation

Since I mentioned getting a random night off I wanna do something productive instead of vegging out marathoning Netflix. SO HERE'S MORE SPAIN PICTURES LOL A YEAR LATER. Whatevs. I might post a more current set soon to balance it, I just have to look at what I've been shooting lately since I'm lazy.

Anyway this was one of the last days on the trip. We had a graduation ceremony and this was the reception after, plus a few photos I took on the way back OF THIS AWFUL STREET PERFORMER LOL. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DECIDED I NEEDED EVIDENCE OF HIM BECAUSE I REALLY DIDN'T. I JUST NEED OTHER PEOPLE TO SUFFER WITH ME LOL. And then there are a couple pictures from an Argentinian restaurant we went to that night.

There had been a photography contest for all the CI students and I entered it like because obviously. I submitted this and this, except SOOC cause that was part of the rules. I mean I didn't edit them heavily or anything but those are the versions that exist on the web so that's what you get haha. BUT THEN I DIDN'T WIN. =( I mean I wasn't all butthurt and self-righteous about it or anything but the photos that won were like. Awful. So I felt a little insulted lol. But it was whatever, I didn't really care, but then everyone else in my group, even the stupid girls that I didn't hang out with, were all deeply offended on my behalf and everyone came to me with their condolences LOL. The hung all the photos entered at the reception and I have a couple pictures of that too. There's a picture of these two people who were pointing and discussing my photos but I couldn't hear what they were saying/rapid español lol. But that was that. It's all good.

Suffolk also held a photography contest for all the study abroad students--all the other trips, too, not just Spain--but I didn't win that eitherrrrrr. My Spanish professor was convinced that I didn't win because the study abroad director has a personal problem with her. THE GUY IS KIND OF A PRICK TO BE HONEST. I talked about him once here lol. In the first part of the entry haha; the second part was about my stalker.

You know what else? I don't know if I ever wrote an entry about this. There was another awkward incident I had with this guy at one of the Spain meetings before we left. First of all, let's make it more awkward by the fact that I was like the only person there who was alone and didn't have one or both parents with me lol. But he was mentioning that some people still had an unpaid balance and he was calling random people up to give them paperwork and stuff. So then he calls ME up, and I immediately was like panicking because I was like I THINK I PAID EVERYTHING, OMG, WHAT HAPPENED, FUCK OMG. And I got really fucking nervous and went up there all shyly and stuff.

THEN before I even knew what was going on, he just starts making a speech about how I was the winner of the scholarship contest and he just presented it to me on the spot in front of everyone. Omg. I was like terrified lol. And like I'd already known I'd won the scholarship but it was just so unceremonious how he presented it to me and just like showed me off in front of, literally, everyone and their moms.

The best part about it was that a week or two into the trip once I was starting to get to know Brendan, we were talking about how this one kid on the trip was really butthurt that I won the scholarship over him, especially cause he was a creepy misogynist lol. Brendan was like "Oh man, it was so awkward when he presented that scholarship to you, too, it was like cringeworthy, you were so obviously not expecting it." LOL. I was like LOL THANKS I'M GLAD EVERYONE ELSE COULD TELL HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT WAS.

haha it makes me laugh every time I think about it. I love Brendan.

Anyway here's pictures.

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Andrea wanted a picture with Mike & Sebastian but she's like half their height LOL. So we took a million and it was hilarious. Even though these guys were usually really fucking obnoxious and embarrassing to be seen with in public, every now and then they'd wear me down and I'd find them really funny. I just would've appreciated if they'd chosen the right times and places to be funny instead of making complete assholes out of us as a group every time we went on a tour.

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